"Saying Goodbye to 2019, A Decade!"

Hi Loves!!! I know it’s been a MINUTE since I last posted. I pray that all is well with you all!  

If you’ve landed here, it’s pretty safe to say that you’ve also encountered the many reflections of 2019 that have been posted all over social media. Prior to these encounters, it was on my heart to share my reflections of this past year and decade which continue to create the beautiful testimony God has given me.  

As I sit here in my apartment kitchen looking out to the sky (I live on the 10th floor, all I see are tree’s clouds, and birds lol) on this last day of 2019. I can't help but to feel overwhelmed with gratitude for all that God has done!

Side Note: If you haven't already... go listen to “Count Your Blessings” on Kanye’s Sunday Choir ‘Jesus is Born’ album. This song will encourage you to ponder on the blessings God is constantly pouring out in your life and the lives of those around you.

As I reflect on this past decade, I realize just how much it has been one of much trial, error, learning hard lessons, and witnessing major victories. This is the decade in which I became an adult. Entering it at the age of 20 and leaving it now at 30. It’s still hard to believe that I graduated from college at the beginning of this decade in 2011. Then in 2013, I took the leap of faith to move to Washington, DC on my own. That year and the years to follow (2014-2015) were the HARDEST years of my life thus far. I was literally just surviving! I almost didn't make it, it was only the grace of God that kept me (Inserts praise hands!). In 2016 I re-dedicated my life to Christ. I had a revelation that year on Resurrection Sunday (Easter) about the crucifixion of Jesus Christ that I can’t unsee but touched my heart deeply and changed me for the better. That year I spent alone in what felt like isolation with just God. In 2017 I was introduced to some of the most beautiful ladies and sisters in Christ (You know who you are!!! Pinky Promise DC and District Church DC Shaw Women's small group). Our friendships have been instrumental in my walk with Christ and overall life experience in the DC area. In 2018, I was given a microphone and interviewed one of the most influential voices in our Christian community today, onstage at a conference with over 800 attendees.

With all that has happened in the past decade, I can personally say that 2019 has been one of the BEST years I’ve had this far! I started out the year celebrating with my sisters in Christ at a New Year's Day brunch where we prayed for each other, our goals, our future, our impact, and our Destiny. The fruit of this experience has truly been evident in our lives this year.

“Again I say unto you, That if two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.” - Matthew 18:19

At this brunch, I also shared with my friends that God put it on my heart that instead of a New Years resolution, my word for the year was going to be LOVE. This meant loving myself better, making decisions out of love and not fear, and also jokingly said “Allowing love to enter my life” lol (Which it Did!) . Seeing just how God has allowed these things to manifest in my life has been nothing short of AH-mazing!!!

This year (2019):

1. I launched “Lamp At Her Feet Blog”!

2. Helped carry out the mission of a powerful Christian Conference for the second year in a row.

3. Have found freedom from a few past traumas and have begun to find my voice.

4. Have hiked a couple of Mountains.

5. I Met and got ENGAGED to the Man of my dreams EEEEKKKKKK!!!!!!!!

6. Have gained a new Amazing God-honoring family <3

God has done some absolutely incredible things in this past year and I cannot wait to see what this year has in store for us all in 2020. The year of Clarity and Vision! 

With just a few hours left until the New Year, I want to encourage you all to pray about and write out your vision for 2020.

“Yahweh answered me, "Write the vision, and make it plain on tablets, that he who runs may read it.

For the vision is yet for the appointed time, and it hurries toward the end, and won't prove false. Though it takes time, wait for it; because it will surely come. It won't delay.” - Habakkuk 2:2-3

How are you reflecting on this past year/decade?

What are you praying for in 2020?

I’d love to hear more about it in the comments!

Until Next Year loves!!

<3

"The Power of Transparency"

For the majority of my life, I’ve felt like I had been placed on a pedestal, both knowingly and unknowingly by friends and family. I know that this is due to the fact that I have taken on many roles in leadership since a very young age. Whether it was in the church, at school, in the community, even at work. I’ve always enjoyed being a part of a cause greater than myself. I also have a naturally outgoing demeanor and a desire for order and continuous learning which seems to walk me right into these roles.

When being looked to as a leader, it’s easy to fall into the trap of portraying yourself as though you have everything figured out and have it all together. Not that showing stability is wrong, after all, who wants to follow someone who is unstable? It’s in trying to maintain the image of perfection that we don’t allow others to get know our true selves. When we do this we cheat not only ourselves of healing and walking in freedom, we also cheat others of the opportunity to be healed by our truth. There's such hope and healing that can come from knowing that if someone made it through a difficult season, struggle, or addiction, that you can as well. We also cheat ourselves from developing deeper relationships that God purposed for our lives when we shy away from being real and open.

“Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” - Ephesians 4:25

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” - John 8:32

When the idea of this blog was first put on my heart (LAST YEAR!!), I was super excited about it. I told a few of my friends and family members and even stepped down from a volunteer responsibility (you guessed it… in a leadership role, of course ) in order to bring more focus to my writing and the launch of this project. I started off with so much focus and enthusiasm. I purchased the website domain, a professional camera, had several self-directed photoshoots, I poured out and re-lived moments in my life in order to share it here, and more. As soon as I thought I was ready, the enemy overwhelmed my heart with fear. With the fear of what others would think after sharing some of the things that have caused me the greatest shame. Fear of what those involved would feel about their portrayal in my stories. But ultimately the fear of tapping into my most authentic self. The fear of truly being the person that God created me to be and the impact that it would have on those who he has planned for me to reach through being transparent. We know that this is all a part of what the enemy does in trying to stop God’s plans.

Recently I fell in love <3. Truly in love with a man who I trusted to share my truth with during our very first conversation. At the time I didn’t know what had gotten into me. Why would I share something so personal with a complete stranger? What gave me the boldness to do this? Maybe it was that I was trying to sabotage the start of a potentially amazing relationship? Or maybe it was the opposite, I wanted him to see the real me, let the cat out of the bag, and give him the option to choose if I was someone he would want to be with. To my surprise, he listened intently, empathized with my mistakes, was understanding of my emotions, and even took on a protective nature towards me. What I thought were my scars, he thought made me beautiful. What I thought would push him away, drew him closer to me.

Don't get me wrong, I do believe that we must be wise in who we trust our hearts with, but also keep in mind that transparency is important for building “REAL” relationships.

Humans were made for relationship. It’s through relationships, whether with family, friends, spouses, etc..that we heal and grow. It’s through relationships that our strengths, weaknesses, and both positive and negative behaviors are brought to light, and so much more. It is also through our relationships that we get to test love and grow in Godly love.

I’d never be able to experience such an amazing love and move forward on a journey to freedom if I had not allowed myself to be transparent and let love cover my scars. Almost like our relationship with God. His son Jesus was crucified on the cross to shed blood that would cover our sins. This is the ultimate display of love! To die and cover our sins with Love and not punishment.

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” - 1 John 4:18

I for one know the crippling fear of being transparent, though at the same time, I am learning the rewards and positive effects of it. Being transparent sometimes may feel like jumping off of a cliff, with no safety net. But we must remember that God’s love is our safety net! His love has set us free!

Let's walk in this thang!! (Freedom!)

Until next time loves,

#LAMPATHERFEET

My Testimony Part 2 "The Night That Changed My Life"

4 am the next Morning….

An officer comes to open the cell. Waking me from the tear induced slumber. I heard her say, “Hello, you can go home now..”. As I unraveled myself from the ball that I had wrapped myself in to stay warm on the cold hard metal bench. Still afraid, I got up and walked out of the cell. She handed me my items and told me that I would have to return later that day for my vehicle, as it had been towed to the police department’s tow lot.

The officer then opened the station door and gave me the phone number to a taxi company and told me that I would have to stay outside and wait. After standing outside in the dark and cold for a very painful hour, the reality of my situation began to set in. I arrived home and remember looking at myself in the mirror horrified by my reflection. “What did I just do?!” With mascara stained down my face and on my blouse from crying, I went to lay in my bed hoping to sleep all of the events of the previous night away.

I woke up a few hours later and returned to the station. There I spoke with an officer who informed me that I was summoned to court, for a DUI (Driving under the Influence) arraignment. My heart sank deep into my chest at that moment. What was I going to do? How was I going to get any kind of job now with a criminal record?! I had never been in any kind of legal trouble outside of a speeding ticket at this point and I was truly afraid.

With an even deeper fear of the system, I went to my assigned court dates and even got a lawyer all without telling my friends and family. I was so ashamed of what I had done that I chose to go through this process on my own. I didn’t even tell some of the closest people to me at the time, whom I spoke with or spent time with every day. Not my parents, my friends, or roommates. I was truly living a double life.

Each time I went to court, the dates for the final hearing were held back. I was placed in the position to either plead guilty, which could lead to weeks behind bars (due to my blood alcohol level being off the charts) or to take the case to trial. I was so afraid of the uncertainty that came with either choice so instead of totally losing my mind, I went numb.

In the following weeks between court dates, I allowed myself to drift off into an alternate reality. I continued with my life as usual without saying a word to anyone about my legal predicament. I continued to work, tend to my studies, and even entered back into a relationship with my ex-boyfriend who had also recently moved to the DC area as well. I became fully distracted with life to suppress the fear and anxiety that was happening deep within.

#THINGSFALLAPART

For weeks I was able to live out this charade until I suddenly couldn’t. My life began to unravel around me. My finances were depleted from the lawyer fees, I found out that my “boyfriend” was cheating on me, my grades were suffering, I had several panic attacks…

Heartbroken, broke, isolated, and feeling so far from God...I began to question my life’s worth and what value I even had anymore. Everything that I had to face just seemed so hard. “You’re going to go to jail where the unimaginable will happen to you”, “Your record is going to be ruined”, “You’ll never be eligible for a good job.”, “The man you’re in love with said that you weren’t enough and chose other women over you.”, “You are a failure and disappointment to your family”, “Your life is already over, you might as well end it all.”.....were just a few of the lies that the enemy had on repeat in this 23-year old's mind. I was beyond hopeless.

In this isolated state, the devil really had a grip on me and he literally came for my life….

“The thief only comes to steal, kill, and destroy…” -John 10:10

In my bedroom one morning after I spent an entire night crying, I woke up, messaged a friend telling him that I couldn’t go on any longer and proceeded to swallow several painkillers. A part of me wanted to live but the cloud over my head was so dark that I couldn't even imagine a better tomorrow.

A few minutes later, there were sirens and flashing lights outside of my house. The paramedics that came nearly knocked our door down to get to me and to save my life. Forced into an ambulance, accompanied by my friend who called them. I was rushed to the hospital. I was made to remove my clothing to put on the hospital dress, hooked up to an IV, and was told by a nurse, that they were informed that I was a danger to myself. As my friend sat by my side with sincere concern and worry; for the first time, I finally broke down and expressed to someone what I was experiencing. I told him EVERYTHING. Next came a psychiatrist and physician who performed evaluations. Thankfully I had not overdosed to the point of serious harm but I could not be released until family came to get me. Horrified at the thought of my family knowing what I did, I waited anxiously at the hospital for them to arrive. My mother drove 5 hours from New York to Washington, DC to come get me.

She and I stayed with family that night, where I shared everything with her. We cried and we prayed together. Her exact words to me were, “ I am your mother, there is nothing you could do that would make me love you less. I’m more upset about the fact that you didn’t think that you could tell me and that you had to go through this alone. That hurt me the most.”

Her response was almost like one of God. He loves his children so much, there is nothing that we could do to separate ourselves from his love. When we call out to him he will draw near to us. He will walk with us in the valley.

“The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” -Romans 8:38-39

That weekend my mother insisted that I went back with her to New York. Though resistant, that trip was exactly what I needed. I needed to be around family, to be loved on, prayed over, and redirected back to my father, God. To be reminded that I was the daughter of a King, who gave my life purpose and meaning before I was even birthed into this earth, who then sent his son to die for my sins. That I was loved on the greatest level. A love that I didn’t earn but was still called worthy of. Then he blessed me with a family that had my back, whose love was also not easily taken away. This truth gave me the strength to keep pushing forward.

I got back to DC and my predicament didn't go away. My license was revoked and I was forced to navigate the city by public transportation. I was placed on probation for 1 year, assigned weekly drug and alcohol testing, mandatory Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, and hours of community service. It was bad y'all. I was still working through emotional pain, building up mental strength, and navigating life in this new city. It was FAR from easy. But this time I had a new companion… Jesus Christ. I learned how to really lean on him and seek his face in that season. Whether it was listening to Christian music to be reminded of his truth as I rode the bus to mandatory drug and alcohol testing or praying while scrubbing toilets of an old Church while doing the assigned community service. God met me where I was. He carried me and fought for me in the courtroom, he healed my broken heart, he provided when I had nothing.

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” -Deuteronomy 31:8

“It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.” -Psalm 119:71

My life has not been perfect since this pivotal season in my life. It was only the beginning of a wild, fun, sometimes confusing, scary, but beautiful journey with Christ. Ultimately what I have learned is that there is nothing like the Father’s redemptive love….NOTHING! <3. His saving grace confirmed that my story wasn’t over. In fact, it was just the beginning!

P.S.- I was terrified to share this story for YEARS, but I finally have peace to release it. As God’s word reminded me, that our lives are not about us. Also that it’s our testimony and our truth that will set others free.

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony, and they loved not their lives unto the death.” -Revelation 12:11

I’d love to hear your testimony and what has brought you to Christ! Also, feel free to reach out to me for prayer if you don’t even know where to begin.

Love you all, and God loves you more! Until next time….. <3